Facepalm Moment 2173
by REDskies
Summary: But Alfred, your ovaries will freeze."


Russia frowned down at the blond Nation sitting on the sidewalk in front of his house.

America, not sensing the displeasure the other man seemed to be showing, waved with utmost enthusiasm.

"Ivan! God, took the long way, did you? You said you'd be here by two, but its already three! Dude, your place is freakin' ifreezing/i in the winter. Leaving me out here, on your sidewalk, waiting for you? Not cool, I-"

And he was very, very surprised to Ivan's pipe shoved into his face.

"Da, my apologies, Alfred. But get off my sidewalk." The American, he suspected, was in a state of shock at the brandishing of the pipe, so he added, "Now."

Alfred, being Alfred, simply narrowed his eyes in suspicion. If it were anyone else, he would have used the whole "so you own this sidewalk now, do you?" line, but seeing this was iRussia/i, and he was iin/i Russia... Well...

"Why?" He asked, his gloved grip on the sidewalk tightening, almost as if he expected to be physically removed by the Russian. He would expect nothing less of the guy, really.

iMaybe/i this iis where he's storing all those nuclear weapons. Right in front of his own house! MY GOD. I HAVE TO GO TELL-/i

"Because your ovaries will freeze."

The reply was so quick, so clearly spoken, so absolutely ridiculous that even America couldn't possible mis-hear something like that, so Alfred settled for gaping at the Russian.

"What?"

Ivan blinked down at him, still clutching the bags of groceries, wondering why his lover was so shell-shocked. Was it not common knowledge that one's ovaries would freeze, when sitting on the sidewalk, or any other extremely cold surface? He contemplated the idea of the man not hearing him the first time, and so he repeated it.

"Because your ovaries would freeze, Alfred."

When there was still no reply from the blond, Ivan decided to elaborate. Perhaps the notion was not that well-spread in America.

"And we wouldn't want your ovaries to freeze, da? It might be, perhaps, a good birth control of sorts, but it would not be good for your health. However improbable it is for a Nation to impregnate another Nation, the possibility is still there, and we have not discussed the thought of children yet, Alfred. Do you want-"

"BUT I'M A MAN, IVAN." Alfred was still seated on the sidewalk, his eyes wide, mouth gaping, and Ivan wondered if the chill was setting in already. He'd already felt badly for leaving his companion out here, and to leave him out here any longer was not to be done. Shifting the groceries around, Ivan reached over to yank the American up by his arm, failing, when Alfred shoved himself right back down.

"But your ovaries would still ifreeze/i, Alfred," he attempted again, thinking that perhaps emphasis on the right word would get the message across.

Alfred, for the life of him, could not comprehend; it was one of those face-palm moments in his life.

"Ivan, listen. I am imale/i. You know it better than anyone else. I have a ipenis/i and itesticles/i, like iyou/i. No ovaries. So, even if it were possible that your -not yours, mind you, "your" as in a general term, so don't start on the fact if you have ovaries, I have ovaries too- ovaries might freeze when you're sitting on a cold sidewalk, which I have to say, is the most utter bullshit I've ever-"

"It is not bullshit, Alfred," Ivan interrupted, frowning down at him again. His patience for the American's idiocy was wearing thin, and above all, he did inot/i want his partner's ovaries permanently damaged. And judging by how long he had been sitting out here, the possibility was beginning to seem very likely. "It has been proven, right here, in my country. You are a sensible person. You can see how the ovaries in your body might-"

"No, Ivan, I do not." Alfred was beginning to know what life as England might have been like, during the phase where he had insisted on asking him how babies were made. It was really quite maddening. "Sit down here, and I'll explain to you ifully/i, why a person's ovaries can't possibly freeze by sitting on cold surfaces."


End file.
